


Two Drunk Dwarves And A Weary Hobbit

by WordsAreMusicForTheEyes



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: And also oddly clingy and adoring when drunk, Attempt at Humor, Drinking, Drunk Dwarves, Drunk Fili is a shameless flirt, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Fili's very clearly besotted with you, Hobbit Reader, Kili is a childish drunk, Light-Hearted, This is an extremely silly fic, Thorin Is Not Amused, Unwarranted stripping, a touch of crack, celebration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-10 08:12:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12295038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordsAreMusicForTheEyes/pseuds/WordsAreMusicForTheEyes
Summary: After leaving celebrations early, following the success of the great battle to reclaim Erebor, you stumble across a certain pair of princes, both completey drunk and barely capable of coherent conversation.In a valiant effort to guide them both to your chambers, so they can sleep off the effects of copious amounts of ale, you end up enduring a series of drunken antics along the way...





	Two Drunk Dwarves And A Weary Hobbit

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been feeling a little stressed and angsty lately with having started a new course at university, so I just wanted to write something completely absurd and light-hearted. The quality of writing is probably not too great, so please forgive me for that, but I hope the content (silly though it may be), at the very least, makes up for it :'D
> 
> Just as an aside, to represent drunken speech (slurring, lack of coherence, etc) I've misspelt a LOT of words. I just want it be known that was intentional rather than accidental. Any errors outside of speech marks, on the other hand.... XD

The battle to retake Erebor and its glorious, shining success was an event that would rightfully take its place upon the pages of history for centuries to come. It was a beacon of hope, a tale of good conquering the malign.

Suffice to say, the celebration of the battle's outcome and the crowning of Erebor's rightful king was on a scale you'd never even bore witness to.

The halls of the palace were adorned with spectacular decoration, and filled with the sound of cheerful music, tables strained beneath the weight of a banquet of food and an abundance of drink. There was a liveliness that surpassed even the merriment of festivals back home in Hobbiton; dwarves and humans dancing together, laughing, eating and swigging back ale and wine.

Needless to say that as the night passed, it was inevitable, with such copious amounts of alcohol flowing freely, that absurdity and antics would ensue.

 

Hoping for some respite from the throng of revellers, you slunk out into the quieter corridor, your hobbit feet treading silently as you wandered through in search of your private chambers; generously gifted to you by none other than Thorin Oakenshield, for your loyalty to him and the Company.

As you padded through, you caught sight of two young dwarves- damn near legless from drinking so much- stumbling through the corridor, falling against the wall and slumping onto the floor, in a rather measly attempt at returning to their lodgings.

They were _**giggling**_ at one another's misfortune, one laughing uproariously whilst the other staggered and fell forward.

You were in no mood to deal with drunken dwarves, so you made to pass them as quickly as possible, until you grew closer to them and realised that they were, in fact, the outrageously inebriated princes of Erebor.

 

“Dear Yavanna...you're both barely able to walk!” You exclaimed, exasperated by the young princes. Kili, slumped on the floor against the wall, looked up at you with an endearingly dopey smile.

“[Y/N]...sssokay...nah....I can w-walk...l-look,” Fili declared, slurring terribly as he rose uncertainly to his feet, rather like a toddler bracing himself for his first steps. He put one foot forward, arms flailing out to the side to regain his balance. As he took his step, he then lurched forward and collapsed into a heap on the floor.

Kili burst into a peal of cackling laughter, gesturing at his older brother.

“Feeeleeee....yoooou fell a-again,” he proclaimed, hiccuping noisily, before collapsing himself in a fit of hysterics.

“Yavanna help me,” you sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose.

 

“I'm bringing you both to my chambers, I don't trust either of you to be left to your own devices whilst you're in this state. You can sleep that damned ale off in my room,” you said crisply, moving forward to help Kili up.

“Yooou ssssaucy ho-hobbit....t-t-taking usss to your bedchambersss,” Kili giggled, “Amma...amma respec-a-table dwarfff!”

“Consider yourselves fortunate,” you muttered, “Fear not, Kili, I have no intention of sullying your _**honour**_ ,” you jokingly reassured the younger prince.

“Ohhhhh...” Kili whined, leaning against you as you slowly hoisted him up.

“Don't sound so disappointed, Kili,” you giggled, as you got him to sling his arm around your shoulders, while you slipped your arm around his waist. Gorgeous though he was, he reeked of ale, and the task of supporting his weight was proving to be much more laborious than you were comfortable with.

 

“Fili? Fili, can you stand up for me?” You called to the elder brother, still sprawled across the floor.

“Yeeessss!” He declared proudly, getting to his feet sluggishly.

“Good, good, now I need you to stay still- and I'll come over and hold onto you so you don't fall,” you told him.

“Aaaanything you sssay, [Y/N],” Fili obeyed cheerfully, swaying precariously on the spot, his arms held out to balance himself. As you and Kili shuffled forward together steadily, taking advantage of being taller than you, the young prince rested his cheek on  top of your head and began nuzzling you affectionately.

“Kili, as partial to physical affection as I am, that's not entirely helpful at the moment,” you chided him gently.

“Yyyour soooo sofffftttt though,” Kili complained.

 

“Almost there,” you reached forward to draw Fili towards you.

“Ooo!” Fili actually sounded surprised, “Why hellooo there!”

“Fili-”

“Wasssa pretty lass like you doin' here?” _**Yavanna save your wretched soul**_ , Fili had seemingly forgotten that he had been speaking to a fellow member of the Company and staggered forward to throw an arm around you.

“ _ **Fili**_ ,” you warned him sternly, “Please don't make this task any more difficult than it needs to be!”

“Ssshhh, sss jus' us, mmmy pretty m-minx,” Fili drunkenly flirted with you, meaning to place a finger on your lips seductively, but instead, ended up jabbing your nose. Even intoxicated, however, he still looked gloriously handsome, if a little unfocused in the eyes.

 

“Yavanna save me, please,” you whispered, “Look, Fili, you are _**very**_   drunk right now. I need you to **_behave yourself_**   so I can get both you and your brother to my chambers so you can rest for the night.”

“Le'ss go ttto your bed, yesss...I-I'llll sshow you wha' a dwarff can do,” he propositioned you shamelessly.

“ _ **Fili**_!”

“Ohhh yesss, ssay mmy name like tha'-” Fili waggled his eyebrows, leaning in for a peck on the lips but you ducked out of the way.

“Fili, I would urge you not to do anything you'll regret. Now, behave yourself so we can make some progress!” You told him, for you were not one to suffer fools gladly.

 

“Yy-you hobbit lassesss are so fffeisty,” Fili remarked with obvious appreciation and hiccuped, but, just as you had commanded, he began behaving far more appropriately.

“Why must you both be so heavy? Bloody dwarven bodies,” you grumbled to yourself as you staggered forward, with Fili and Kili using you as a makeshift, sentient crutch.

For the rest of slow, agonising walk to your chambers, Kili began drunkenly singing a merry tune- his voice distinctly off-key- with the odd hiccup thrown in at random intervals, breaking the already shambolic melody.

As you finally reached your chambers, you loosened your hold on Kili, freeing a hand so you could open the door. Unfortunately, Kili took it upon himself to twist the handle, and rather than simply walking in as one who is sober would do- he pushed against the door with his entire body and clung to the handle as the door swung open.

 

Needless to say, this proved a comical sight as the youngest prince of Erebor unceremoniously fell into your room, legs splayed out behind him, hanging on to the door-handle for dear life.

“Aaaahhhaaaahhhh!” He yelped.

Fili was roaring with laughter.

“Kee, wha' have yyyou done?” He hooted, pulling away from you and stumbling towards his brother. Fili, unwisely, then drew a leg back, no doubt aiming a kick at his younger brother's backside.

Given that he was equally drunk and had no sense of balance or spatial awareness, it was not a successful endeavour.

Fili tumbled forward, landing on top of poor Kili, who grunted loudly at the sudden weight of his brother falling onto him.

 

“Ha...hahaha...heh heh....whooooopsss!” Fili giggled to himself.

“Geddoff me, Fee!” Kili mumbled. With a heaving sigh, you stepped over the brothers into your bedchambers, padding around them. You then stood before them, arms akimbo, staring down at the pair of dunces.

“Yyou h-have furry feet, [Y/N], th-thhhey look sssoooo ssoffft,” Kili unexpectedly announced, “C-can I touch 'em?”

You frowned at the young prince, more out of bewilderment than frustration.

“I jus' wanna hairy lit-little woman,” Fili said with heartfelt sincerity, “Sssofft an' hairy allll overrrr...with a bb-big furry bush I can ge' mah braidsss stu-uck in!”

“Duly noted, Fili,” you replied, trying desperately not to smirk.

 

“Bussshhhy bushhhh!” Kili repeated, giggling like a child. Deciding that the drunken oafs needed to be dragged in, so nobody walking past would catch a glimpse of the princes sprawled across the threshold to your room, you took a deep breath and moved toward them.

“Let's get you both settled in for the night. You're both going to feel dreadful tomorrow, I hope you realise that,” you said, grabbing hold of Fili's arms.

“Ohhhh,” the sound came from Kili, as you suddenly felt a hand brushing over the fuzziness of your hobbit feet.

“Kili, please can you not do that?”

“Hobbity feet, hobbiting around,” Kili marvelled, inordinately fascinated by your anatomical quirks. With another sigh, you pulled Fili to his feet, only to have him slump against you.

 

“Yyou're...yyou're like an elf...cos of y-your pointy earsss...but you're not...cos you're little...like a dwarfff... littler even,” he pointed out, a thick, coarse finger gently stroking the pointed tip of one of your ears, “Aaanddd ssso pretty!”

“Thank you, Fili,” you said resignedly, wrapping your arms around him to stop him sliding down onto the floor.

“Ll-lovely backssside too,” he added, slapping you on the rear, the noise resounding throughout your room. It was startlingly clear that ale made Fili an uninhibited, lecherous fiend.

“Fili!” You shrieked.

“Feeee! Tha' wassss inna-innapppropriate!” Kili reprimanded his elder brother, crawling into your room on his elbows and knees.

 

“I d-do apol-apololise-apologise...vvery ungentalemenly offf me,” Fili slurred, hugging you and resting his head on your shoulder, “You-you are vvvery spesh....spppecial to me,” he confessed adoringly.

“Is that so?” You quipped, arching your brows.

“Irra-irrefootabally!” He smiled, looking half-witted as he did so.

“Irrefutably?”

“Yeeeees!” Fili kissed your cheek, nuzzling into the crook of your neck.

 

“You need sleep, Fili,” you groused trying to manoeuvre him towards the large canopied bed.

“Ah-ah no, I don', I jus' need yooou!” The golden haired crown prince protested.

“Right, well, at least sit down on the bed for a moment while I help your brother,” you said, though it seemed your efforts were, so far, in vain, “Here, just sit. There, lovely, now take your boots off and make yourself comfortable.”

You had the crown prince perched on the end of the bed. Fili, as you gently commanded, slumped forward and began tugging his boots off.

Turning around to assist the younger prince, you discovered Kili lying on his belly, arms and legs spread out, upon the thick fur rug laid over the wooden floor of your bedchambers.

 

“Ahhh....am Ssssmaug the Terrrerible! Fffear meeee!” He snarled, clawing limply at the fur rug.

“Yavanna, what are you doing, Kili?” You rushed over to him. The dark haired prince looked up at you through his unruly tresses, glazed brown eyes regarding you carefully.

“I amm Ssssmaug!”

“No, you're a complete ninny,” you grumbled.

“Run aaaway, tt-tiny hobbity hobbit, I am a fffierce dr-dragon!” Kili pawed at your leg ineffectively with his hand, making small growling noises.

 

“Yy-you dare disssturb my ssslumberrr! Whe's my Arrrrkenssstone?” The prince demanded, “Are y-you hidin' it?” He then had the audacity to grab the hem of your dress and attempted to lift it up.

“Get off, you foul imp!” You snapped, tugging your skirts out of his grasp.

“I need to chhheck yy-your hobbity cave to see ifff yyour hidin' my Arrrkensstone!” Kili insisted.

“You'll not be checking anything if you don't want a kick in the teeth, you cretin, you're as filthy as your brother!” It was at that moment you remembered, with sudden panic, that you had had your back turned, leaving Fili unsupervised.

Spinning around quickly, you let out a high-pitched yelp at the view that greeted you.

 

Fili had not simply just removed his boots, but he had, somehow, managed to strip off the majority of his clothing. He was, by that point, pushing his trousers down his sturdy legs.

“Fili, no! Put those back on!” You squealed, trying desperately not to look at his _**blessing from Mahal**_ or the magnificent solid muscle of his arms and naked torso, covered in glorious dark blonde hair.

“D'you lllike wha' y'see, lovvve?” He inquired wickedly.

" _ **Put your trousers back on**_!" You wailed, clapping a hand over your eyes.

"S'too warm fer clothesss!" Fili rallied, now completely naked. With a quick glance to the side, you realised that your door was still wide open, and made a frantic beeline towards it with the intention of shutting it. Unfortunately Fili interpreted this is as your sudden desire to vacate the room and 'abandon' him, so, in his drunken, naked glory, followed you in hot pursuit.

 

"Nnnoooo! Don' go [Y/N]!" He whined, running after you.

"Fili, I'm just closing the-"

"Don' leavvveee meee," Fili implored, the ale having entirely addled his senses. You soon felt a strong pair of arms wrap around you from behind, as the lurching bulk of drunken dwarf prince threw you off balance. Giving a short shriek, both yourself and the golden haired prince tumbled onto the floor; you face down and he on top of you.

Fili was still contentedly hugging you despite the somewhat compromising position, blissfully ignorant to how this might look to anyone happening to pass by your chambers. As enjoyable as it was to have his firm body pressed to your back, you would have preferred it to be under different circumstances and behind a _**closed door**_.

"You sssoo soffft," the crown prince mumbled appreciatively into your hair, "A-aannd you sssmmeell n-nniccce!"

With a dejected sigh, you thunked your forehead against the wooden floor, resigned to being a breathing pillow for a naked crown prince whilst his younger brother was still adamantly proclaiming, in the background, that he was indeed a ferocious dragon.

 

You didn't even bother to look up at the sound of conversation and approaching footsteps, even after recognising their voices, as they grew closer, to be those of Thorin and Balin.

Instead you simply lay spread-eagled on the floor, subject to Fili's drunken dotage and tuneless singing and his persistent snuggling.

You finally looked up when the footsteps came to a halt and the conversation tapered off uncomfortably as the older dwarves stopped outside your open door, looking in upon a scene of disarray. Thorin was staring at you and Fili, with an indecipherable expression, where Balin merely looked weary.

Without speaking a word, you met their expressions with recently acquired stoicism; the kind that comes with dealing with such mayhem, reaching a breaking point and feeling little more than numb acceptance of the situation.

 

"I have a great many questions to ask, [Y/N], but somehow I think I may already know the answers," Thorin said, with an oddly sympathetic look in his eye.

"Thhhorrin!" Fili called, having finally noticed his uncle standing before him, "Wha' bringss s'you here?"

"As it happens, looking for you and your brother, Fili," replied the dwarf king, "I lost sight of you amidst the festivities. I assumed you'd both been imbibing, but I wasn't expecting you to be quite so... _ **affected**_."

"Or naked?" You remarked wryly from beneath the crown prince.

"That too," Thorin sighed.

"Perhaps you should get off the poor lass, Fili?" Balin suggested, "You'll be crushing her, laddy."

 

"Nnnooo, s'fine, s'fine, sshhhee's my wife, I-I'll lllook after her," Fili said, stroking your hair.

"I beg your pardon?" You huffed, feeling a strange mixture of indignation and flattery.

"Lad, you're-you're not married," Balin shared the disappointing news to the crown prince, who immediately dismissed it as nonsense.

"Don' be **_ridiclus_**  , Baaaalin!" Fili protested, "[Y/N] isss my  _ **lover-ly**_ wife...we...we goin' to-ter- havvve lo's of hairy, be-u-ti-fffulll ch-children to-together! Li-little dwarfff hobbity ch-children with little bbbeards and pointy earsss!"

Thorin closed his eyes, exhaling sharply through his nose, and inclined his head upward, as though in silent plea to Mahal to rid him of his troublesome nephews. It was at that precise moment, Kili decided to crawl over-

"Ruuuurrr! Ruuuurrr!" He roared, "I am Ssssmmmaug!"

 

"Would it be of little worth to apologise to you, [Y/N]?" Inquired Thorin, as his youngest nephew began clambering over his cheerfully indifferent nude brother (and their hobbit companion), snarling, demanding his Arkenstone be returned to his horde.

"Currently? Yes," you groused.

"Would it be any consolation knowing that tomorrow morning these dunderheads will be grovelling at your feet, beseeching you for forgiveness? Fili, especially," he added. You took a moment to deliberate.

"Potentially," you replied, "Why Fili in particular?"

"He's entirely besotted with you and intended to begin courting you," Thorin revealed. His words filled you with a bubbling excitement and cheer you'd not felt for quite some time.

"Well," you began, the silence of your pause filled with Fili singing drunkenly with his mouth muffled by your hair, "I suppose I might have some room for forgiveness, in that case."


End file.
